Hysterical Things My Son Has Said in the Last 72 Hours

Kids are inherently honest, making them inherently funny.  I get it.  But lately, my son has been hysterical.  Like laugh out loud funny.  And it needed to be documented.  Here are some gems (possibly of wisdom) that my nugget has shared with us this week...


As i am looking frantically for new pants for Charlie one morning after her poop accident, and realizing that she had outgrown all her 9 month clothes seemingly overnight....
 
Ollie: What you doing Mom?
Me: Looking for pants for Charlie, none of her pants fit.
Ollie: 'Cause she has a big wiener like me??
Me: Ummmm no....

He wouldn't stop.  

Ollie:  Charlie has BIG WIENER!  BIG WIENER LIKE ME!!!!!!! YEA!!
Me:  Charlie doesn't have a wiener.
Ollie:  WIENER! WIENER!
Me:  Go tell your Dad.

This is funny for a variety of reasons.  #1, Charlie is, of course, a girl, and doesn't have a wiener.  #2, the word "wiener" is funny.  Period.  #3, I appreciate that his first thought as to why pants don't fit is that someone's genitalia is too large for them.  And #4, at the young age of three, he does not lack any self confidence about his own genitalia.

I later heard my husband explaining to him that while he, Manny, and Dad had wieners, Mom & Charlie and "girl parts".  
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After bath, I noticed that poor Charlie girl had a bit of diaper rash so I asked Ollie to go get me her diaper rash cream.  He looked down at her slightly disapprovingly (but genuinely concerned) and said this...

"Ohhhhhh... Charlie butt not working too good."
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Now that he is a little bit older, one of my favorite things is to talk to him about his day.  He makes for the best conversation partner on car rides home, and I always ask him what he did at his babysitter's house.  Most of the time he lets me know that he ate, napped, and played with his friends.  Today, however, he summed up his day like this:    

Me:  What did you do at Bri's house?
Ollie:  I fart.... and then I cry.

Let me be the first to say that his babysitter is nothing short of a saint.  She juggles 6 kids, including my 2 crazy ones, and makes sure they are all fed, changed, rested, and most importantly, happy.  She constantly does crafts and art projects with my son, taught him letters, numbers, colors, and shapes, established routines, reinforced potty training, AND makes sure he uses his manners to boot.  Today, however, his flatulence and tears were the most memorable.  In his defense, he was real tired and it had been a rough day.
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While driving to Charlie's gymnastics class Ollie gazed out the window and said, "Mom, I miss you so much and I love you so much te quiero (love you in Spanish) and look it, the sky, the trees, the cars is soooooo cute, it's my favorite."

funny AND sweet.  



So that's it.  I would like to think that his wonderful sense of humor is a reflection of how witty and charming his parents are mother is.  Or maybe he's just funny because he speaks his mind, like most 3 year olds do.  I don't really care.  Either way, can't wait for what he will say the next 72 hours, or the next 72 years for that matter. 

(previously posted)... and you shall name her TREASURE.

this was a post from my blog from the website where it was previously housed.  an oldie, but a goodie!  originally posted december 2011.

okay, i have been meaning to blog about this because it is just so unbelievably funny.  i have been telling coworkers, family, and any and all acquaintances this story so i figured i might as well write it down, now, while every hilarious detail is still fresh in my mind.


about a week ago, we went to the hubs' xmas party for work.  it happened to be the same day as my xmas party for work but mine was $10 a person, some appetizers, and a wild game of white elephant.  his included a full 3 course sit down dinner, open bar, and was completely free.  his won (duh).  so we decided to go to his since we're a)poor and b)borderline alcoholics.  ok, that last one is a little bit of a stretch but my husband always finds it his duty to drink for 2 whenever i'm pregnant.


we arrived with another couple friend and found some seats in the back.  i nearly killed the hubs as we were a tiny bit late and i was terrified we would miss the appetizers.  you can see where my priorities lie.  we did, in fact, make it in time for apps and proceeded to mingle and jingle with his coworkers.  A bit later, his boss stood up to say a few words - the usual "Thank you for being there for the children... you work so hard... enjoy the holidays..." typical shpeel (sp?).  Now, one other think you need to know is that 95% of the schools here in Vegas are named after people, figures prominent in the city that have made some sort of impact on education, that sort of thing.  Additionally, since so many schools are so new with the city's recent expansion, usually the namesakes are still alive.  We're not talking George Washington Elementary here, these people could seriously just pop into the school at a moment's notice to check in on things, send things to the students, and, as was the case here, attend the xmas party.  So Mrs. Namesake was sitting at the head table, in her flashy holiday sweater and large red fabric covered banana clip adorning her hair, sipping on wine and quite enjoying the festivities.  Mrs. Namesake had also wanted to share a few words but, not being terribly comfortable with public speaking had asked the principal to read some she had written down.  now, you have to understand the principal is a very large and tall black woman with a booming voice not unlike, one of my faves, oprah winfrey.  so ms. principal begins to read the little speech which has a lot more of the same "thank you for being there for the children" business in it and all of a sudden, it happens.  the principal shouts, "AND THERE IS ALSO A CHECK ENCLOSED HERE FOR $100,000!!!!!!!!!"


Have you seen Oprah's Favorite Things show where she gives away ridiculous amounts of gifts and the audience pretty much loses their minds and yell and hoot and holler and pass out and hug, etc, etc, etc?  Seriously, pretty much the same thing.  Everyone started screaming and pretty much losing their shit.  Then came the breakdown of where the money was going.... $10,000 for the Library, $10,000 for the Choir and Music Ensemble, $10,000 for the Art Room..... now did I mention hubs is the ART TEACHER??  So at this point hubs turns to me and says "Did I just get $10,000??"  In my best non-bitter betty voice I tell him "yes... yes you did."


Now to review, there was an open bar at this shin-dig, and if you remember, hubs likes to drink for 2, sometimes even 3 whenever I am with child, so at this point in the evening he is
slightly inebriated kind of wasted.  But of course, we feel the need to go up and thank Mrs. Namesake for her generous gift.  I ask him to sober up as best he can and we make our way to the head table and I am going with him. (I mean, who knows, maybe Mrs. Namesake wants to come to the baby shower?)  We introduce ourselves and she holds our hands and thanks us for being teachers and all of a sudden, it happens.



She asks if we're expecting.  We tell her we are and she congratulates us and asks if we know what we're having.  We tell her we don't know yet and she tells us SHE will tell us and I am to take a step closer to her.  She then proceeds to feel me up and rub me down in ways that probably lead to my becoming pregnant in the first place.  I mean full on up and down with both hands rub down.  Then she asks me to TURN AROUND and rubs me down on the back side too.  I mean on the bum and the hips and all over.  You might be wondering what was going through my head.  Well, the woman had just given my husband $10,000 so I figured I should take one for the team.


Finally after the full on body rub she gives us her verdict.  "It is a girl.  And when she is born, you shall name her.... TREASURE.  Treasure Ann."  Hubs and I stare at each other, then look at her.  Are you f*ing kidding me? is pretty much all we can think.  But instead we smile and nod and smile and nod some more.  Let's just say if we name our daughter Treasure and we raise her in Las Vegas, she will most definitely end up on the pole.

our love story...

so first things first, it has been a very long time since my last post.  i didn't really think anyone cared, and let's be honest, most people don't.... but then my mother-in-law asked why i hadn't posted anything in a while.  sweet, i have at least one follower!!!  even though they are family, i am still counting it.  so now that my blog has moved to this new spot, and in the spirit of valentine's day (yes, i realize this was last week but it's still february, so back off) i am posting this that i stole from someone else's blog.  our very romantic, albeit not very traditional, love story....

1. How long have you and your significant other been together?

april 15th marks the third anniversary of our very first date.

  

2. How did you meet? {What's your "love" story?}

this is a topic of heated debate, so let's just describe the first date.  we went to agave, one of my favorite mexican restaurants here in town, and i proceeded to eat all of the chips and salsa because i was really nervous.  i also remember thinking that i really liked his eyes, and that he was really tall.  (to clarify, he does have really nice eyes, although he's not THAT tall... he is taller than me though)

3. If married, how long have you been married? {do tell}

august 29th will mark our 3rd wedding anniversary.  for those of you who haven't taken elementary school math, yes, i married him a little over 4 months after our 1st date.

4. If you are married, where did you get married at? Big or small wedding?

we got married at the Special Memory Wedding Chapel drive-thru.  Yes, hence the name of the blog.  we ordered off a menu and everything, got two really sweet t-shirts, and had to improvise a little on the music selection.  for this reason, our song is an old jackson 5 number from their greatest hits album, the only CD i found fit the occasion.  :)

 

5. Do you have any nick-names that you call one another? Do share!

i guess we're pretty boring because i can't really think of anything.  perhaps i shall try some on for size tonight.

 

6. Name 3 things you love most about your honey.

one, he makes me laugh.... two, he is a REALLY good listener.... and three, he is an incredible father.

7. Tell us how he proposed?

he proposed on christmas day of 2009.  again, for the math buffs, you will note that this would be 8 months after our first date and 4 months after we got married.  i know, this is not the way it's supposed to work.  we went for a walk when all of a sudden it started to POUR rain all over us.  i am not a runner, and had no plans on running, so i just calmly informed him that we would just have to get wet.  he walked a couple of steps and went down on one knee and told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.  

8. Is he a flowers and teddy bear kind of guy for v-day, or strawberries, champagne, and rose petals?

he's more like the perfect present kind of guy.  99 times out of 100, he will get me the most perfect present.  (i will tell you the story about that one time on some other occasion)  this year i got a prenatal massage package.  perfect.

9. Are you a sunset dinner on the beach kind of girl, or pop a movie in and relax on the couch?

can i be both??

10. Tell us one thing you'd like to do with your significant one day. If you could do anything? Go anywhere?

i'd like to travel with him, just the two of us.  perhaps when our kiddos are grown. :)

11. Tell us what you plan on doing on this Valentine's Day.

just a quiet evening at home, also celebrating our son's second birthday.  

12. Are you asking for anything this Valentine's day?

no, but he got me the perfect thing anyway.

13. Give us one piece of advice of keeping a relationship strong and full of love. 

LAUGH.  laugh at things that are funny, or sad.  laugh at each other.  laugh at yourself.

14.  Show us a picture of what love means to you.

the best surprise either of us have ever received.